


Just Like Mud

by blueberryphancakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Showers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-25 13:03:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6196129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueberryphancakes/pseuds/blueberryphancakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So you’re upset because you saw me…polishing the banister.”<br/>“Jesus fucking Christ.”<br/>“Is that another euphemism or are you just mad at me?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Dan Doesn't Knock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan just wanted to borrow a plushie.

Honestly, the most surprising thing is that it didn’t happen sooner.

Dan has been living with Phil for nearly five years, and he prides himself on the near-immunity he has built to his flatmate’s quirks in that time. He has come to expect a new houseplant to appear in the lounge every few months and has come not to expect an explanation. He has learned the difference between the _thuds_ and _ows_ that mean Phil has stubbed his toe for the fourth time that day and the ones that mean he is actually hurt. Sudden animal noises no longer alarm him. The uncontrollable food stealing still annoys him, but he makes sure to buy extra cereal now, and he knows how to hide the things he really wants to save.

He has even accepted Phil’s unusual comfort with nudity. Five years ago, the very idea of one of them being less than fully clothed around the other would have made him blush profusely. And the first time Phil plopped down next to him on the sofa wearing only Superman pyjama bottoms, he did. But between Phil’s tendency to barge into his room unannounced (“What do you mean you’re sleeping? It’s Pancake Day!”) and complete disregard for the appropriate times and places to change clothes (“But Dan, I’ll miss part of the show if I change in my room.”), Dan has gotten used to seeing (and being seen by) his best friend in various states of undress. He still prefers to get dressed most days, but he knows Phil doesn’t care if he stumbles out of his room in the morning without bothering to throw on a shirt, and the sight of Phil’s bare chest or legs (or, occasionally, entire body) no longer shocks him. It’s just not a big deal anymore. Really.

Walking into Phil’s room to find him lying in bed with his pants around his ankles and his dick in his hand, however, is a very big deal.

Dan isn’t sure why he decided the blobfish plushie was crucial to the success of the video he was filming. He also isn’t sure why he decided not to knock this time, or why the universe seems to hate him so much. He almost never enters Phil’s room without knocking, but the door was slightly ajar, and who masturbates without bothering to close the door all the way? Besides, Phil almost never knocks when he comes into Dan’s room. Dan is clearly not at fault here.

Not that he needs to defend himself. Phil hasn’t even noticed him yet. His eyes are closed, and he is wearing headphones with the volume turned up so high that the bassline nearly hides the wet sound of hand on skin and the puffs of breath that escape Phil’s parted lips with every exhale. The ones Dan might have heard if he had enough sense to _think_ before barging in.

He should leave. He _wants_ to leave. Only he has forgotten how to walk, and he can hardly bring himself to blink, much less look away. Dan is in a trance, and before he knows it, he hears a soft gasp and sees Phil’s hips jerk as he empties himself onto his bare stomach.

Dan just wanted to borrow a plushie.

Phil’s eyes flutter open, and Dan’s shock turns into panic. It’s too late to escape unnoticed. He doesn’t know whether to bolt out of the room and put off talking about it for as long as possible or pretend he somehow didn’t see what just happened or suck it up and apologise now.

As his legs still don’t work and his mouth seems incapable of doing anything other than opening and closing noiselessly, the choice is made for him. This is, Dan thinks, the worst choice.

“Oh,” Phil says when Dan fails to speak. “Hello.”

Dan stares.

“Sorry, didn’t see you there.” Phil grabs a few tissues from the box on his nightstand and begins calmly cleaning his hand and stomach. He doesn’t even bother covering himself before asking, “Did you need something?”

Dan has to squeak once and clear his throat twice before he manages to croak the word “blobfish.” He clears his throat again. “Filming.”

Somehow, Phil knows exactly what he’s talking about. “On the bookshelf. Help yourself.”

“Right,” Dan nods. He already knew where it was, but he’s still having trouble forming more than one word at a time. His limbs seem to be working again though, even if they feel a bit like jelly. He walks to the bookshelf and grabs the blobfish, hugging it to his chest as if it can protect him from this whole situation. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Phil says. His trousers are up now, and he’s grabbing a shirt off the floor. Unlike Dan, his limbs seem to work just fine, and his movements are unhurried.

“I’ll just…” Dan points to the open door, letting his sentence trail off into nothing. He backs out of the room quickly. He can feel his face growing warmer by the second.

“Okay,” Phil says, pulling his shirt over his head. “Good luck with your video.”

“Thanks,” Dan repeats before nearly slamming Phil’s door shut behind him in his hurry to leave. He feels guilty, but he doesn’t go back to apologise.

Back in his room, Dan rakes his fingers through his hair in an attempt to end the violent cringe attacks. Why didn’t he leave when he had the chance? Why didn’t he try to explain himself? Of all the embarrassing things he has done, this one might just take the cake.

But the worst part is the effect this is going to have on his friendship with Phil. Because no matter how forgiving Phil is, Dan knows he messed up. And he knows things will never be the same.


	2. In Which Things Are, Remarkably, the Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He comments at the usual intervals, laughs at what Dan is assuming are the right places, and altogether acts like absolutely nothing has changed. Frankly, it’s pissing Dan off.

Dan tries to finish filming his video. He really does. But he knows he still looks and sounds too flustered for it to work, so after more than an hour of muttered curses and retakes, he gives up and wanders into the kitchen for some food.

The smell of cooked tomatoes and garlic welcomes him. Dan almost turns around to leave.

Almost, because it is at that moment that his stomach chooses to growl.

Loudly.

“Is that your way of telling me you’re hoping I’ll share?” Phil teases, smiling as he leans against the counter. He must have taken a shower, because is hair is clinging damply to his forehead.

It annoys Dan for some reason, and he thinks he wants nothing more than to push the hair back. He doesn’t though, answering Phil’s question with a non-committal “ _hm_.”

Apparently, Phil takes this as a yes. “Well lucky for you, I’m bad at estimation. Pretty sure I made enough pasta for two.” He peers into one of the tall pots on the stove and stirs the contents with a wooden spoon. “Or five.”

“Sounds good,” Dan says. He is already turning to go back to his room, planning to stay there until dinner is ready, when his mouth betrays him for the second time that day. “Need any help?”

“Yeah, actually!” Phil replies, much to Dan’s disappointment. “If you wouldn’t mind washing a few dishes, I think we’re out of forks. And plates. The colander is dirty as well. Or I could do the dishes while you take over my job.”

“Whichever,” Dan shrugs.

“Hm. Actually, I’m pretty sure I might be mostly responsible for the dishes piling up.” He hands Dan the spoon. “Think you can handle stirring duty?”

“Aye aye,” Dan says, saluting him with the spoon. Phil grins, and Dan smiles back before remembering why he doesn’t want to be here. Interrupting Phil’s alone time. Less than two hours ago. Cringe attacks and awkwardness that will probably last for weeks. Right.

He turns his attention to the pot of tomato sauce before Phil can notice that his face is roughly the same color. As he stirs, he waits for Phil to bring up the elephant in the room. Because they’re going to have to eventually, and Dan certainly isn’t going to be the one to do it.

Only Phil doesn’t bring it up. What’s worse, he is behaving in a way that Dan never expected: completely normal. Whatever normal is for Phil, anyway. He hums tunelessly while washing the dishes, and when the food is ready he casually asks if Dan would like to watch an anime while they eat.

Dan agrees, if for no other reason than he can’t think of a good excuse not to. He plops onto his usual spot on the sofa, only realising his mistake a moment later when Phil sits right next to him. He is so close that Dan can smell his shampoo and feel the soft fabric of his sleeve every time it brushes Dan’s shoulder.

It’s weird because it shouldn’t be weird. There is exactly the same amount of space between them as usual. Granted, it’s less space than most people might consider normal for two friends – even best friends – but that never bothered Dan before. And Phil certainly doesn’t seem to find it strange. He comments at the usual intervals, laughs at what Dan is assuming are the right places, and altogether acts like absolutely nothing has changed.

Frankly, it’s pissing Dan off.

So when Phil turns to him after the episode has ended to ask if he would like to watch another, Dan finds himself shaking his head. “Not tonight.”

“Aw,” Phil says, sounding disappointed. He turns his attention to Dan, and his forehead creases with concern. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Dan lies, rubbing his forehead. “Just not in an anime mood I guess.” Which isn’t a complete lie. He has been so busy freaking out, he doesn’t even know which show they have been watching.

“We could watch something else. Movie, maybe?”

“Nah.” Dan stands up and jabs a thumb in the direction of his room. “I think I’m just going to head to bed.”

Phil watches his movements, head tilting to the side. “You sure you’re alright?”

“Positive. I’m just…really tired, you know?”

Phil chews his lip, seeming to contemplate whether or not to believe him. “Okay,” he says after a moment. He still looks worried and suspicious, but he seems to have decided to drop the subject for now, to Dan’s immense relief. “Goodnight then.”

“Night.” And with that, Dan walks to his room, doing his best impression of someone who is not in a hurry.

* * *

Dan does not have a good night. He intentionally stays awake for about ten minutes, lying in the dark and straining his ears to hear whether or not Phil continues watching television without him (he doesn’t) and then listening to the quiet shuffling sounds of Phil getting ready for bed. After he sees the hall light turn off and hears Phil’s door open and close, he stops trying to stay awake.

It happens anyway though.

An hour passes. Two hours. Three. Dan can’t get comfortable. He switches sleeping positions six times before he stops counting. He rotates between social media apps on his phone - Facebook to Twitter to Tumblr and back – but none of them can hold his attention for long. He replies to all the emails he’s been meaning to reply to, and then he refreshes his inbox just in case there are any new ones. He avoids Youtube completely.

At half-past three, he decides he hates his bed and can’t stay in it for another second. Thinking a shower might help loosen his muscles and clear his head, he throws the covers off dramatically and pads to the bathroom.

(A childish voice in his head tells him to stomp his feet on the way there. After all, it’s Phil’s fault he is awake. Why should Phil get any sleep? Dan ignores the voice, but barely).

He lets the water get as hot as he can stand it before stepping into the shower. It is, perhaps, a little too hot, nearly scalding his skin and turning his hands and feet red within seconds. The muscles in his shoulders start to relax though, so he decides to leave the temperature alone and begins washing his hair.

Apparently, the universe has decided to play an extended practical joke on him, because his brain is still so muddled that he accidentally grabs Phil’s shampoo instead. Which should be fine. It isn’t like Phil will care, and it isn’t like he hasn’t done it before.

Except he doesn’t notice until he has already rubbed it into his scalp, and now the whole shower smells like Phil, and it’s really not helping him push unwanted thoughts out of his mind.

He can’t quite figure out what it is about this situation that bothers him so much. He’s embarrassed, sure. Mortified, even. But that has happened loads of times, and it has never driven him crazy quite like this. And he’s frustrated that Phil seems so unbothered by all of it, other than his concern for Dan, which just makes Dan feel a thousand times guiltier.

Maybe he’s overthinking it. Or maybe Phil is underthinking it. He can’t decide. It’s kind of hard to think about things objectively when he can’t stop replaying the whole scene in his head. When he can’t help but remember Phil with his head thrown back, eyes closed, cheeks flushed, lips parted ever-so-slightly. The way his back arched and his toes curled. The small gasp that followed.

Dan looks down.

Well that’s different.

“Oh,” he says. “Oh no.”


	3. In Which Louise Explains Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you tell someone not to think about a white bear, they can’t help but think about one. It’s called ironic process theory.”

After his hot shower suddenly turns into a cold one, Dan decides ignoring his problems might not be the best way to make them disappear. He has put it off long enough. It’s time to talk to someone.

Unfortunately, it’s four in the morning, and the first person who comes to mind is both asleep and the source of the problems themselves. No, he can’t talk to Phil. He needs someone who isn’t involved in this situation, but also someone who will understand why he feels so awkward about the whole thing. He needs someone who won’t judge him for all the embarrassing things he has done over the last few days.

He picks up his phone. He knows just the person.

* * *

 

Louise is laughing.

“I thought you of all people might take pity on me,” Dan huffs.

She shakes her head, still doubled over on the other side of the sofa. She has been this way for a solid minute. Her mascara is starting to run.

“It’s not that funny.”

“It’s  _hilarious!_ ”

“Fine. Mock my pain. It’s not like I came all this way for help or anything.”

“Sorry!” she gasps. She doesn’t sound particularly sorry.

To be fair, she did answer Dan as soon as she saw his “can I come over” text at six in the morning. She expressed her concern and even offered to meet him halfway for coffee, but Dan decided a more private setting might be better.

Considering that Louise is still laughing uncontrollably, he thinks he made the right choice.

“Okay,” she sighs after another minute, wiping her eyes. “I think I’m done.”

“Are you?”

Her lip trembles. “No.” She bursts into laughter again.

“I’m leaving,” Dan says, getting up from the sofa and walking towards the door.

“Wait wait wait!” She grabs his wrist before he can leave. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart. Now sit back down.”

He does as he’s told, but he folds his arms over his chest in defiance.

“Okay,” Louise says, taking a deep breath and clearly struggling to keep her composure. “So let me see if I have this straight. You texted me at four in the morning, panicked, because you caught Phil jerking off and he  _didn’t_ make a big deal out of it?”

“Well of course it sounds silly when you say it like  _that_.”

“It’s silly no matter how you say it. What did you want him to do, kick you out of the flat?”

“No! It’s just...I just expected  _something_. But he’s acting like it never happened, and not even in the awkward way, and I feel like I’m the only one who's freaking out about this.”

“That’s because you  _are_  the only one who’s freaking out about this.”

“Great insight, Louise. Thanks for your help.”

“I’m serious.” She picks up the mug of tea that she set on the coffee table when her laughing fit began. “You two have been best friends for what, seven years? You said yourself you’ve seen each other naked before. Did you ever consider the possibility that the reason Phil is acting like it isn’t a big deal is because it isn’t one?”

“It’s crossed my mind,” Dan admits. “But then why does it feel like such a big deal to me?”

“Because you're Dan,” she says, not unkindly. “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t obsess over little things.”

“It was  _not_ a little thing.”

Louise raises her eyebrows. Her lips twitch, and she presses them together to prevent another outburst.

“Oh fuck you. You know what I meant.” He sighs. “It’s just that part of me realises that I’m probably overthinking this, but then I try to stop and I just end up thinking about it even more.”

“Like a white bear.”

“What?”

“If you tell someone not to think about a white bear, they can’t help but think about one. It’s called ironic process theory.”

“Sounds like a theory I’d make up. Why a white bear?”

“Oh I don’t know. It could be a purple elephant I suppose. Forget about the bear and try not to think about a purple elephant.”

Dan tries. He gives up almost immediately. “Well now I’m thinking about a purple elephant  _and_  a white bear.”

Louise grins in satisfaction. “See?”

“So what you’re saying is that if I want to stop obsessing over this, then I need to stop trying  _not_  to obsess over this?”

“Oh no, you can’t beat ironic process theory with just willpower. That’s kind of the point.”

Dan groans, letting his head fall back against the sofa cushion. “Great. So I’m stuck like this forever.”

“Now I didn’t say that,” Louise says, voice soft. “I just said you can’t fix this problem alone. Lucky for you, you’ve got me.”

“And what do you suggest I do, Dr. Lou?”

“Hm,” she says, looking thoughtful while she sips her tea. “Well, first of all, we need to figure out what’s really bothering you.”

“What do you mean what’s really bothering me? I told you what. It’s the why that I can’t figure out.”

“No, you told me the situation. If we want to know why you’re obsessing over it, we need to get more specific. Pinpoint the part that’s bothering you most. Is there a particular aspect that you keep dwelling on or that really makes you cringe?”

“Yeah. All of it.”

“Dan...”

“Okay, there is one thing I can’t seem to get out of my head.” His feels his cheeks heat up. “Two, really.”

Louise nods encouragingly. “Care to share?”

Dan shakes his head.

“How am I supposed to help if you won’t tell me what’s bothering you?”

He shrugs.

Louise glares. “Fine,” she says after several seconds of silence, leaning back and sipping her tea.

The silence lasts for all of one minute. “So you know how I told you it took Phil a while to notice me? ‘Cause, you know, headphones and stuff.”

“Mm-hm?”

“Well the reason he finally did notice me was, well...he sort of opened his eyes after he...got finished.”

Louise chokes on tea. “You’re telling me you saw his o-face?”

Dan hides his burning face in his hands.

“And  _that’s_  the part you can’t stop thinking about?”

“You promised not to laugh anymore,” Dan reminds her, voice muffled by his hands.

“I’m not! It’s just, all this time I thought you were embarrassed--”

“I am embarrassed. Look at me. Clearly I’m embarrassed.”

“--when really--”

“Don’t say it.”

“--you were just--”

“Please just drop it.”

Louise is silent for a moment, and Dan almost thinks she has decided to listen to him. Then she says, “...intrigued?”

Dan groans.

“Is that what you said at the time?” She sounds all too pleased with herself.

“I hate you.”

“No you...wait...you said there were two things.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. What was the other?”

“Nothing.”

“No, you definitely said...oh.”

“Oh?”

“Did I already guess it?” Her voice becomes infinitely more gentle. “Is it that you were turned on by it? Is that why you’ve been freaking out?”

Dan considers lying, but he knows it’s useless at this point. Louise has figured him out. “Maybe,” he mumbles.

“Dan.” She takes him gently by the wrists and lowers his hands from his face. “Look at me.”

He does.

“It’s okay,” she says, cupping his hands in hers.

He looks down at their hands. “It’s not.”

“It is. And just because you’re only now realising you might be attracted to men doesn’t mean--”

“Oh that’s not it.”

Louise stops mid-speech. “It’s not?”

“I figured that out ages ago,” he says, removing his hands from hers and waving them dismissively. “This isn’t about liking guys. This is about Phil making me pop a boner in the shower.”

“I’m sorry,  _what?_ ”

“Hey, you’re the one who said I should talk about it.”

“Yeah, because I thought you were having a sexuality crisis! I don’t want to know what you get up to in the shower!”

“I didn’t ‘get up to’ anything. I turned the temperature down to a nice arctic chill and waited for the problem to resolve itself.”

Louise pinches the bridge of her nose. “So if you aren’t freaking out about your sexuality, what are you freaking out about?”

“It’s  _Phil_.”

“I thought you said Phil was fine with all of this!”

“But he might not be if he finds out his best friend suddenly realised he’s had a thing for him for god knows how long!”

The silence that follows is deafening. Louise’s eyes are wide with awe, and Dan thinks his probably look similar. He hadn’t quite known what was coming out of his mouth until he said it, and now that the words are out in the open, he wonders if he can continue denying their truth. He suspects not.

“Oh,” Louise says after what feels like an eternity. Her expression melts. “Oh, Dan.” She reaches out to cup his face.

Dan doesn’t know what’s happening.

“Dan,” she repeats. “You are one of the kindest, sweetest, and all around best people I know.” She shakes her head. “But you’re a bloody idiot.”

“Is this the part where you tell me Phil likes me too and I’ve just been too blind to see it?” Dan asks. He’s mostly kidding, but a small, treacherous part of his heart flutters with hope.

“No,” Louise says, and the fluttering stops. “This is the part where I tell you that I don’t know if Phil likes you the same way you like him, but that I do, beyond all doubt, know one thing for absolute certain.”

“What’s that?”

“That even if you tried, you could not do anything that would make Phil Lester stop loving you. Whether that love is platonic or otherwise, I don’t know. But it’s real. I’ve seen it. And I know the same goes for you.”

“You really think so?”

She rolls her eyes fondly. “Now you’re  _trying_  to make this into an after-school special.”

“You already did a good job of it with that speech. The rest of our conversation might have been a little more PG-13 though.”

“Just a bit,” she giggles. Dan can’t help but join her.

“So,” he says. “We’ve got my feelings sorted. Does that mean I’m cured?”

“’Fraid not. As your doctor, I recommend one final treatment for easing your incomparable levels of angst.”

“Does it involve you removing your hands from my face? They’re sort of sweaty by the way.”

“No,” she says, leaving her hands exactly where they are. “I need your undivided attention for what I’m about to say, because I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to like it.”

Dan sighs. “What do I have to do now?”

Louise smiles reassuringly. “Talk to him.”


	4. In Which Dan Talks to Phil (or Tries To)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So you’re upset because you saw me…polishing the banister.”

Dan’s phone buzzes while he is on the train.

> _**Were you abducted by aliens or did I forget you had an appointment today** _

There is a part of Dan that wants to get it over with. To tell Phil everything right now over text so that he doesn’t have to look him in the eye while he does it. He even types a few long-winded explanations and one _‘so I maybe kind of like you in the not-platonic way,’_ but he ends up erasing them all. He hopes Phil doesn’t notice how many times the ‘is typing’ bubble pops up before Dan decides what to say.

> **Neither.**   **Went to see louise**

Phil’s reply comes almost immediately.

> _**Before noon???** _

Then:

> _**Is everything alright?** _

His heart clenches. Leave it to Phil to worry about him even when he isn’t doing anything that would concern most people. He remembers what Louise said, and he squeezes his phone tightly.

> **Everything is fine**

A few minutes pass before his phone buzzes again.

> _**Okay well come home soon. I need my morning anime fix** _

Home.

> **It’s past 11 you know**

> **_Well scuse me Judgey McJudgerson just because you’ve suddenly become a morning person doesn’t mean we all have to traverse London at the crack of dawn_ **

Dan smiles.

> **On my way**

> **_Good. And can you pick up Shreddies?_ **

> **We still had half a box when i left this morning**

> **_Really? Weird_ **

Dan rolls his eyes, but he can’t help the fond smile that spreads across his face.

> **I’ll stop by tesco**

He closes the messaging app and nearly puts his phone to sleep before deciding against it. He reopens the conversation and types another message.

> **See you soon**

* * *

 

“Are you in more of an anime mood than you were last night?” Phil asks, pulling a handful of Shreddies out of the new box and nibbling on them one square at a time.

“Sure,” Dan finds himself saying despite the fact that he really isn’t. His heart has been hammering in his chest since before he even made it into the flat, and he knows there is no chance of him being able to concentrate on any show. But Louise’s advice is still playing on repeat in his head, and while he knows it would probably be better to get the conversation over with, he hopes that some mindless television might calm his nerves and give his heart a chance to get used to being near Phil again. It is, he supposes, better than running off to his room again.

So Phil turns on _Magi_ and Dan makes sure to sit slightly farther away than usual, just enough to give him some breathing room. From the pieces of the show he catches, it seems like a good episode, and Dan wishes he could concentrate on it for more than seconds at a time. But Phil looks soft and warm in his pyjamas and glasses and sleep-ruffled hair, and his laugh seems to reverberate in Dan’s own chest, and Dan knows it is a lost cause.

Ten minutes later, his heart is still beating just as fast as before, if not faster. It’s distracting, and the way Phil’s whole body tenses then relaxes as he yawns is even more distracting, and Dan wonders if he is going crazy.

_Say it_ , he thinks again. _Just turn off the television and say ‘I need to talk to you about something.’ Or blame it on Louise. Say that she said we should talk. Yeah, that could work. Then you’re not really the one initiating it. Take a little pressure off. It’ll be fine._

As he opens his mouth, he glances at Phil again. His friend is totally absorbed in the show, profile illuminated by the glare of the television. Dan’s words die in his throat.

_For the love of god_ , Dan chastises himself. S _ay something!_

Phil laughs at something on the screen, and Dan can’t take it anymore.

“Would you stop?”

Well that’s not what he wanted to say.

Phil’s forehead wrinkles in confusion. “Stop what?”

Dan fights the urge to slam his head against a wall. He pauses the show, knowing that he can’t put this off any longer. They are having this conversation now, whether he likes it or not. He just wishes he could talk about it as calmly as he planned in his head, but the pent-up frustration spills out of him despite knowing better. “This act! Pretending that everything is normal in some well-meaning attempt to make me feel better about this whole thing! It’s not working, so can we please just acknowledge it and get it over with?”

Phil doesn’t look any less confused. “Acknowledge what?”

Dan wants to scream. “Yesterday.”

“Yesterday?” Realisation dawns on Phil’s face. “Oh, you mean when you saw me masturbating?”

This time, Dan does scream a little, though he covers his face with his hands first, so it comes out muffled. “Don’t _say_ it.”

“What, masturbating?”

Dan screams again.

“Okay, okay, sorry!” Phil says, putting his hands up in a placating gesture. “So you’re upset because you saw me…polishing the banister.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Is that another euphemism or are you just mad at me?”

Dan sighs, removing his hands from his face. He can tell that Phil is teasing him now, but he can also hear the note of concern in his voice. He knows from experience that Phil often tries to cheer people up and ask serious question simultaneously. “I’m not mad at you,” Dan says. “I’m just frustrated because I’m still freaking out about this and you’re acting like it’s no big deal.”

Phil shrugs. “I didn’t think it was a big deal.” So Louise was right about that. “I’m sorry I made you freak out though. I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t make me…look, can we just forget about this?” He can practically see the disappointed look Louise will surely give him for this, but this conversation is off to a bad start already and he simply can’t go through with it. Not with Phil’s friendship on the line.

“I would say yes, but I know you’re not going to.” Phil folds his legs so they cross over each other and turns to face Dan completely. He is irritatingly calm. “Tell me why you’re so upset.”

“I don’t know!” Dan says, louder than he intended. He lowers his voice to a reasonable volume. “I’m just…embarrassed, I guess.”

Phil tilts his head to one side. “How come?”

“Do I really need to explain that?”

“I mean, you’ve seen me naked before. More naked than that, even. Remember last week when we ran out of towels?”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“Because of the context, Phil!” Dan knows he is being unfair, but he can’t seem to control his mouth anymore. “Because of what you were doing. How is this so difficult to understand?”

“I’m sorry, I really am trying to understand. Promise. But you had to have known that happens from time to time, right? And with all the shipping and stuff we’ve been exposed to over the years…I don’t know, I just figured we’d gotten past being awkward about these things.”

“This isn’t that sort of thing either.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just…different. Look, you’re probably right about it not being a big deal. I just wasn’t expecting it, is all.”

Phil’s eyes are pleading. “Tell me what I can do to make you feel better.”

“Nothing.”

Phil frowns.

“Really, I mean it. Just give me a few days to get past the crippling embarrassment.” Phil doesn’t look convinced, so Dan forces what he hopes is a reassuring smile onto his face. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

_No,_ he thinks.

“Yep,” he says.

Phil still looks worried, but apparently he decides it’s best to drop it for now. “Alright. But you’ll let me know if you start freaking out again, right?”

Dan nods. “Absolutely.”

_Not._

* * *

 

_Well_ , Dan thinks, safe in his room again after excusing himself like the coward he is. _That couldn’t possibly have gone worse._


	5. In Which Dan Says What's Bothering Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So this is me trying to do better. Because I don’t want to mess up again.”

Dan has been alone in his room for an hour, and nobody seems to care.

Not that Dan cares either. In fact, he’s glad Phil hasn’t tried to get him to open up again and that Louise hasn’t checked in just to make sure he actually went through with the plan. He doesn’t want anyone to come along and remind him how badly he messed up or to offer their unwanted advice on how to fix it. Right now, all he wants to do is be alone.

He checks his phone. It has been exactly one minute since the last time he checked it. Huffing, he types a message to Louise.

> **Don’t you want to know how it went?**

His finger hovers over the send button.

Louise has already done so much to try to help him today, and how is he repaying her? By being an ungrateful dick.

Kind of like how he’s been acting towards Phil.

He erases the message before falling back on the bed and clapping his hands over his eyes. His friends are being so calm and patient with him about this, and he still wants more out of them. He wants someone to come along and fix his problems for him.

But they can’t, he realises. Because he dug this hole all on his own, and he’s the only one who can dig himself out.

* * *

Phil must have been pacing around his room, because it only takes him a second to open the door after Dan knocks.

“Hey!” He smiles, but his eyes are full of concern. “What’s up?”

Dan feels a surge of guilt. “I made you worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Phil says quickly, voice raising in pitch.

Dan shakes his head. “You’re a bad liar.”

Phil’s face falls. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. It scares me when you get all frustrated and distant.”

Great, more guilt. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s been acting like a dick.”

Phil shrugs.

“Way to reassure me, Phil.”

“Well apparently there’s no use in lying.” He points to the bed. They are still standing in Phil’s doorway. “Can we sit?”

Dan nods, following him to sit on the edge of Phil’s bed.

“I get that you’re upset,” Phil says, “so I forgive you for being a grouch. I guess I still don’t really understand  _why_ you’re upset though. Embarrassed, sure, but it seems like more than that. I keep racking my brain trying to figure out if I did something else to upset you, but I don’t know what it could be. Did I miss something?”

“Sort of,” Dan says, staring down at his hands where they fidget in his lap. “But that’s my fault again. I...I sort of didn’t tell you everything before.”

He looks up to find Phil nodding encouragingly.

Dan lets out a shaky breath. He knows Phil is waiting for him to continue. “I don’t really know where to start.”

“That’s okay,” Phil says, placing one of his hands lightly over Dan’s and effectively stilling them. “Take all the time you need.”

Dan flips his own hands over, interlacing one of them with Phil’s and using the other to play with Phil’s fingers. They’ve never been above platonic hand-holding for moral support. Dan wonders if that will soon change.

“So you know how we’re best friends?”

He expects Phil to laugh, but the other boy just says, “Of course.”

“It’s...I don’t say this enough, but our friendship...it’s sort of the most important thing in my life. And when I feel like something’s threatening it, I sort of...”

“Flip out?” Phil offers.

“Yeah.”

“But why would what happened yesterday threaten our friendship?”

Dan bites his lip, trying to think of another tangent. He’s going to say it. He’s determined. He’s just not ready yet. “Remember 2012?”

“Parts of it.”

“You know what I mean.”

Phil sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. This isn’t going to be as bad as that, is it?”

“I hope not,” Dan admits. “I’m trying not to let it.” He can’t meet Phil’s eye anymore, instead focusing on the way Phil’s fingers fall as Dan gently lifts and drops them one by one. “That year...that was the first time I ever felt like the idea of us together was anything other than a joke. Something to tease about in a video and make people laugh, you know?”

Phil doesn’t respond. Dan doesn’t lift his head, but he hopes Phil doesn’t look too disappointed in him.

“Not that it should have been a joke in the first place. But it seemed like one for a while. And then, suddenly, people were taking it seriously, and I felt like I was being forced to take it seriously too. Only I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to think about it because I had waited my whole life to have a friendship like this, and I didn’t even want to imagine anything messing it up.

“But I did mess it up. I barely spoke to you for months, outside of the videos we made together. So this is me trying to do better. Because I don’t want to mess up again.”

Phil squeezes his hand.

“I don’t know exactly when it happened,” Dan says slowly. “I’ve spent so long trying not to think...I’ve been stupid, is what I’ve been. And it’s stupid that something like seeing you...well, you know...could give me the kick in the arse I needed to finally think things through, but it did.”

He inhales sharply. It’s now or never. “I still want to be your friend, Phil. I hope more than anything else in the world that, after today, you’ll still want to be mine. But I’d be lying if I said that was all I wanted.”

“What _do_ you want, Dan?”

Dan looks up. Phil doesn’t look disgusted or panicked, but Dan can’t put a name to the expression he is wearing. “You,” he murmurs. “In every sense, I want you.”

Neither says anything else for a long time. Dan goes back to staring at their hands, which are still joined. He supposes it’s a good sign that Phil hasn’t pulled away, but he’s becoming less and less sure of that as the silence continues.

Finally, after what feels like forever, Phil responds.

“What if I said you could have me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey remember when I said this would be the last chapter? WELL I LIED. Not on purpose or anything. I'm just bad at estimation (also I can't resist a good cliffhanger oops sorry I'm the worst). But yeah next chapter will definitely be the last. Maybe. I think.


	6. In Which Everyone is Content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is still too shocked by the day’s events to remember how kissing works, and Phil's breath smells of cereal, and neither one is doing anything with his hands.

For the second time in two days, Dan’s muscles forget how to work.

He hoped that Phil would assure him it was okay that Dan had feelings for him and that they could continue being friends like nothing ever happened. He expected Phil to get flustered and not know how to respond and for things to be awkward for a while. He was prepared for Phil to be disgusted and kick him out of the apartment, though Louise and the rational part of his brain told him that wouldn’t happen. Still, he imagined it, and he went into Phil’s room that day thinking he had planned for every eventuality.

Apparently, he forgot one.

“Dan?” A pale hand waves in front of his face. “Are you okay?”

Dan stares.

“Right, you probably want to be alone.” Phil stands up. “I’ll just--”

“Please don’t leave.”

Phil looks just as surprised as Dan is at how calm Dan sounds. He sits back down. For the span of several heartbeats, they just stare at each other.

“You...” Dan starts. He clears his throat. “Are you saying you like me back?”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “Yes.”

“In the...in the not-friend way?”

“I mean, I like you as a friend as well. But other ways too, yes.”

“And by that you mean the...er...romantic way and...and the...”

“The sexual way.”

“The sexual way,” Dan repeats, voice barely more than a squeak. “Right.”

“Listen, Dan, this doesn’t have to--” Phil says right as Dan asks, “For how long?”

Phil lets out a puff of breath and runs a hand through his hair. “Not sure. But I realised about four years ago.”

“So 2012.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth twitches up. “I did a lot of thinking that year too, you know. I just spent less time in denial.”

“You never let on about it.”

“You didn’t want to talk about it,” Phil shrugs. “Saying nothing is a lot easier than lying.”

“Four years,” Dan says, shaking his head. “How come you could live with that knowledge for four years and I couldn’t make it more than a day?”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you before,” Phil says. His eyes are earnest, but his tone is soft and patient. “This thing...me liking you, you liking me...it doesn’t have to change anything. Even now it doesn’t. Not if you don’t want it to.”

“But you want it to.”

“Not necessarily,” Phil says. “Don’t get me wrong, I'd love to explore some different sides to our relationship, but it’s not like I’ve been pining all these years. I’ve been...oh what’s the word I’m looking for?”

“Horny?” Dan offers.

Phil smacks his arm lightly. “No. More like...content.”

“So then, you don’t want things to change?”

“I didn’t say that either. I just mean that our friendship is really important to me too. No, scratch that, it’s the _most_ important thing. So if we spend the rest of our lives as best friends and nothing else, I’ll be perfectly happy with that. I won’t feel like I’ve missed out, because I have you in the way that matters most.”

Dan doesn’t know what to say to that. Part of him wants to tease Phil for being so corny, but another part of him is trying not to cry. “Phil,” he croaks.

“That being said,” Phil continues, eyes taking on a mischievous glint. “You look hot with your eyes all wide and your lips parted like you don’t know what to say, and I’d really like to be making out right now. If that’s alright with you.”

Dan swallows. “Uh-huh,” he says, nodding vigorously.

They lean in...

...and their noses bump together.

Hard.

“Ow!” Phil says. “Why’d you tilt your head to the left?”

“I don’t know!” Dan responds, rubbing his nose. “Lefty instinct I guess.” He looks away in embarrassment. “It’s been a while.”

To his surprise, Phil starts to chuckle.

He looks up to see Phil with his eyes closed and a hand over his nose, losing himself in a giggle fit. Dan can’t help but join in, and soon they are both falling over on the bed, clutching their stomachs as they try to catch their breath.

“Of course,” Dan gasps between giggles, “that would happen to us.”

“I don’t know what I expected.”

Minutes pass before they get their laughter under control. “I don’t suppose you’d want to try again,” Dan sighs, sitting up.

“I’m up for it if you are.” Phil shrugs as he sits up too. He tilts his head to the side. “You’re cute when you laugh.”

If Dan’s face wasn’t already red, it is now. “Shut up,” he mumbles, leaning in slower than last time.

“Okay,” Phil says as he closes the distance between them.

The kiss is...awkward. Dan is still too shocked by the day’s events to remember how kissing works, and Phil's breath smells of cereal, and neither one is doing anything with his hands.

Then Phil’s fingers press lightly against Dan’s jaw and trail up, up, until they’re threaded in the hair at the back of Dan’s head. Phil uses this new position to draw Dan closer, and Dan’s lips finally remember what they’re supposed to do, and oh. Oh, it definitely isn’t awkward anymore.

There is a fluttery feeling in the pit of Dan’s stomach. He sighs, and Phil takes the opportunity to part his lips as well. Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders, and Phil responds by running the tip of his tongue between Dan’s lips before nipping at the lower one. 

Dan can’t help but let out a small moan, and he should be embarrassed at how little time it has taken for him to start falling apart, but all he can think about is how nicely the softness of Phil’s lips contrasts with the rough scratch of his stubble. He can’t believe it took him so long to realise how much he wanted this.

Phil pushes closer and Dan lets himself fall back onto Phil’s bed. Phil places his knees on either side of Dan’s hips, and he moves his lips from Dan’s mouth to his jaw and starts trailing kisses downward. He reaches Dan’s neck, and Dan gasps.

Something buzzes in the vicinity of Dan’s crotch.

Phil stops abruptly, hovering over Dan with swollen lips and lust blown eyes.

Dan sighs and reaches into his pocket.

> _Since I still haven’t heard from you, I’m going to assume that either you talked to him and it went really well or you haven’t gathered the nerve to talk to him at all_

“Louise,” Dan explains, though Phil is already rolling onto his side so he can see the phone too.

“Ha!” Phil exclaims, and Dan raises an eyebrow. “I knew that’s why you went to see her today. ‘Trying to do better,’ my arse. You would have moped around for ages if Louise hadn’t made you talk to me.”

“Hey, at least I took the initiative to seek out someone who could talk some sense into me,” Dan defends while typing a reply to Louise.

> **First one**

He sends it, throws the phone on the bed beside him, and looks over to find Phil wearing a lopsided grin.

“I’m glad you talked to her,” he says. His smile falters. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you for a whole year again.”

“I wasn’t going to let that happen,” Dan says, rolling his eyes in an attempt to lighten the mood. “So you aren’t glad because you liked what we were just doing?”

“Oh no, I enjoyed that very much.” Phil bites his lip, suddenly looking uncertain. “Is that something you’d like to do again sometime?”

Dan feels a smile break across his face. “Definitely.” He leans over to capture Phil’s lips again. This time, the kiss is short and sweet.

Phil pulls back and cups Dan’s jaw. “I think, with all the excitement today, things might progress a bit further than making out if we keep on.” He rubs his thumb back and forth across Dan’s cheekbone. “Maybe we should pick this up another time.”

“Oh,” Dan says. “Right.” He untangles his limbs from Phil’s, giving him a final peck on the cheek before getting up from the bed. “I’ll see you later, then?”

“We live in the same flat,” Phil chuckles as he sits up. “I think we’ll see each other pretty soon.”

“Right,” Dan repeats, nodding. He grabs his phone and sees that Louise has replied with a row of exclamation points. He stares down at them even as he jabs a thumb in the direction of the door. “I’ll just...”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” He turns and walks through the door without looking up.

He makes it to his bedroom door before he turns around and walks back.

“On second thought,” he says, letting himself into Phil’s room without knocking. “We’ve both been waiting for, what, at least four years? Even if half of us were too dumb to admit it.” Phil stares back at him with wide eyes, pupils still huge. “I think that’s long enough, don’t you?”

“Oh, thank god.” Phil stands up and meets Dan in the middle of the room, cupping each side of Dan’s face in his hands and going directly for a needy, open-mouthed kiss.

Dan barely has time to marvel at how they’ve managed to get in sync with each other so fast before Phil is walking him backwards. His back hits the open door, pushing it closed, and Phil backs him against it.

“Is this okay?” Phil asks as he pulls away from Dan’s lips, right before he begins trailing kisses down Dan’s neck again.

“Oh, it’s a lot better than that,” Dan says, fists clenching the fabric at the back of Phil’s t-shirt. “I think we might have to move to the bed soon, though.”

Phil nods and kisses his shoulder before backing up to give Dan room to get by. Dan walks to the bed and sits down on the edge, the same spot he sat in when he and Phil started talking earlier. How long has it been since then? Less than an hour, probably, but it feels like longer.

Instead of sitting beside him, Phil goes straight for his lap, kneeling on the bed with his legs on either side of Dan’s hips. He slips his fingers beneath the hem of Dan’s shirt as he kisses him, and Dan lifts his arms so Phil can remove the article of clothing completely. Phil rakes his eyes over the newly exposed skin before removing his own shirt, and Dan barely has time to admire the line of dark hair between Phil’s navel and trousers before Phil is on him again.

Before Dan knows it, they are back where they were before Louise texted, minus their shirts, and Phil is hovering over him with black hair falling into his eyes.

“Tell me what you want,” Phil says, voice low and rough.

Dan’s hips buck involuntarily. “For starters, I want these jeans gone.”

Phil unbuttons Dan’s jeans and slides them down his legs, pulling them over his feet and dropping them on the floor. He leaves Dan’s underwear, and he doesn’t touch his own pyjama bottoms. “Would you like me to tell you what I was thinking about yesterday?”

“Yesterday?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten already,” Phil says. He nips at Dan’s ear. “You know, when you saw me touching myself.”

“Oh.” Dan’s is sure some of the blood that has pooled down lower rushes back to his face. “That. W-what you were you thinking about?”

Phil whispers something in Dan’s ear.

If Dan thought his face was warm before, it is flaming now. “O-oh,” he stutters. “Maybe we should save that one f-for next time.”

Phil just nods and places a surprisingly soft kiss on Dan’s lips. “Mouths then? Or just hands?”

“Er...” Dan closes his eyes and tries to think. “Hands,” he says finally. “I want your face up here.”

“That can be arranged.” Phil presses the palm of his hand onto Dan’s still-clothed erection. He rubs, and Dan bucks again.

“Phil,” Dan whines.

“Yes?” He keeps rubbing.

“Less clothes. Now. You too.”

Phil doesn’t waste any time as he removes his own pyjamas and pants in one go, but when he hooks his fingers into Dan’s boxer-briefs, he hesitates. “You sure this is what you want?”

Dan nods so hard that he is sure his hair gets messed up where it rubs against the bed, but he genuinely doesn’t care. “Yes.”

Carefully, as though Dan might break if he goes too fast, Phil slides the grey material down his legs, stopping at the ankles so Dan can kick them off. Instead of reclaiming his spot above Dan, he leans back and looks him up and down. “You know, you’ve seen me buck naked loads of times, but this is my first time seeing all of you.”

Dan bites his lip. “What do you think?”

Phil shrugs. “Eh, you’re okay.”

“Oi!” Dan sits up just so he can push Phil’s shoulder, and Phil laughs.

“See?” He kisses Dan hard, and Dan lets himself be pushed back into the mattress. “Knew you’d know I was lying.”

“Shut up and touch me,” Dan says.

He is mildly surprised when Phil complies immediately. He is more surprised at where Phil touches him.

“Oh,” he says breathlessly as Phil’s thumbs graze his nipples. “ _Oh_.”

Phil leaves his hands there for a while, alternating between pinching the nipples and rolling them between his fingers, before sliding his right hand downward. By the time he reaches Dan’s groin, Dan is already achingly hard and leaking everywhere.

“I was going to ask if you wanted me to get some lotion,” Phil says, rubbing his fingers over the slit and causing even more precum to dribble out, “but it looks like you might not need any.”

“Better without it,” Dan babbles, closing his eyes and focusing on not letting this end too soon. “Rougher.”

“Really?” Phil says as he wraps his hand around him and starts to stroke. “Interesting.”

“ _Ohhh_ ,” is all Dan can say in response.

A minute passes before Dan is able to collect his wits enough to form a complete sentence. “Can...” he says, trying to catch his breath. “Can I touch you?”

“Thought you’d never ask,” Phil says, removing his hand for a moment to guide Dan’s hand toward his crotch.

“Do you...want lotion...or lube...or anything?” Dan pants as he and Phil start stroking each other at the same time.

Phil shakes his head. “Too close.”

Dan wonders how Phil can possibly be so close already. He’s been touching and teasing Dan for ages while Dan has barely touched him until now. He realises that Phil must have been getting off on Dan’s responses this whole time, neglecting his own body in favor of pleasuring Dan because he was actually enjoying Dan’s reactions, and it’s that thought that pushes him over the edge.

“ _Phil_ ,” he moans, spilling over Phil’s hand. His own hand stills as the rest of him convulses, but Phil gently pushes it away, lining his cock up next to Dan’s and wrapping as much of his hand as he can around both of them. He moves his hand up and down quickly, and right as Dan finishes, Phil gasps.

“I’ve got you,” Dan says, replacing Phil’s hand with his own to work Phil through his orgasm, though his bones feel like jelly. “Let go. I’ve got you.”

Phil collapses when he is done, landing on Dan and smearing the sticky mess between them.

“Oof,” Dan says as what little breath he has left is knocked out of him. He runs the fingers of his clean hand through Phil’s sweaty hair, pushing it back from his forehead. “You’re heavy.”

“Mm-hm.” Phil nods against his chest.

“Are you the one who's forgotten how to speak now?”

“Mm-hm.”

Dan chuckles. “We should probably get cleaned up, you know.”

“Comfortable. Tired.”

“Are you really that old? I’m the one who didn’t get any sleep last night.”

Phil looks up at him, eyes full of concern. “You didn’t sleep?” Before Dan can respond, he pushes off of him and leaves the room. A moment later, he comes back with a damp washcloth.

“You don’t need to do that,” Dan says as Phil uses the washcloth to clean them up, first Dan, then himself.

“Too late,” Phil says before collapsing onto the bed next to him. He slings an arm over Dan’s waist. “Now, what do you say we celebrate our long day of discoveries with a nice eight-hour nap?”

“It’s like four in the afternoon, Phil.”

“That’s why it’s a nap.”

Dan smiles and scoots closer, laying his head on Phil’s chest. “And what do you want to do after your nap?”

“Make pancakes,” Phil answers. His eyes are already closed.

“And then?”

“Eat them.”

“What if I’m awake?”

“You can have some too.”

“I was sort of thinking maybe you could tell me more about that fantasy of yours. The one you had yesterday?”

He thought this might get Phil’s attention, but his best friend just nods. “Maybe,” he says. “But you know what I’m going to do first?”

“What’s that?”

“Soon as I wake up,” Phil says, “I’m sending Louise a fruit basket.”

* * *

_Honey, y'gotta learn that love is simple just like mud. If you play the dirt, then I'll play the water. All we gotta do is touch." -- The Front Bottoms_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH IT’S THE END. Thank you to everyone who left kudos or gave me feedback on this story. You've all been so nice and supportive and I don't know what I did to deserve that but I appreciate the hell out of it. I just sat down to write a silly story, maybe post two or three more chapters if a couple people liked it, but it actually ended up being the most fun I’ve had writing in a long time. I hope you’ve had as much fun as I have.
> 
> PS: For those of you wondering about the title/quote, it’s from a song that has literally nothing to do with this fic but that line was stuck in my head while I was writing and I couldn’t think of another title so I was just like, “Eh, let’s make Dan overthink things as much as possible so it sort of fits even though that line means something completely different in the context of that song.” There you go: “This is dumb but it’s in my head so let’s write it down.” My writing process revealed.


End file.
